Dumped.

So today my boyfriend decides to leave me. Why? Well because I am too fat. He says he likes petite girls and I should do myself a favor and get on the treadmill. I knew this was coming because of all his comments lately. Like yesterday we were walking down the street and he looks over and says "I think my new favorite pair of shoes for a girl are flats." I said "huh, why?" He says "because they make women look petite and skinny. Tennis shoes just look ugly and fat." ((As I look down at my brand new pair of Nike Shox)) =( I need to lose this weight now. I need to get self control. I wish someone would just listen.

Beautiful Faith.

I Need a Friend.

I wish I had someone that lived close that could be my friend to help me stay on the ABC diet. Someone to share tips to. Someone to text when I feel a binge coming.

Wannarexic.

I read a very disturbing post today that really hurt my feelings. I don't know if it is just because I am sensitive because of the way today went or what... but I felt I needed to express my opinion on the subject. I just read it and kept moving through my daily routine of looking through blogs to learn as much as I can without saving where I found it. I wish I knew now so I could copy it and paste it on here. Then you would really get the full affect of what I am trying to say. I read that girls who consider themselves "pro-ana" were mocking the lifestyle of anorexia and the basis of it being a deadly disease. The same girls that ask for "pro-ana tips and tricks" were also wannarexics. This was pretty much a post of a certain lady ranting and raving about how she couldnt stand 'pro-ana hoes" mocking this terrible disease that she lives with on a everyday basis.

Now my intake on the subject. I am a 190 pound woman that deals everyday with the struggle of binge eating. I gorge on food and cant seem to get a handle on it no matter how much I try. I eat until I am sick. Only this is I never purge. I consume all the calories until none is in sight. I look at "thinspo" everyday. I read and read and read blogs all day long trying to find a something that might help me get control on my habit. Some days are better than others. And in the end I still consume more calories than I burn. I think we can all agree that means pounds just pile on. I used to be 120 pounds in school and I looked amazing. I felt amazing. Now I feel ugly and lonely. No one wants to love me. I know my family does but I mean love from a man. A real relationship. I have lost two men over the fact I am "bigger" than them. Wright really is an issue. And it is apart of my everyday life.

I have a huge desire to be skinny. I want and want and want everyday. I need the control. I understand the very basis of the anorexia disease. I may not have the complete control that an "anorectic" may have but some day I will. My disease may be taking longer to progress but some day I will be able to feast on the feeling of hunger. I am not a "wannarexic." I do wish I could just be healthy but I know it will never happen. I continue to watch and look and mimic and read everything I can get my hands on to be able to perfect this life I have to be as skinny as I strive to be. My anorexia is developing and one day I will be skinny and when that day comes I will not be skinny enough. I will get to my goal weight and then know that I can do better. I will always look for satisfaction but know deep down I will never find it.

Beautiful Faith.

Clean Eating.

I am starting to eat "clean" tomorrow. I really want this. I was at a family birthday party today and everyone was there. I was looking at the pictures taken and I looked awful in every single one of them. It was a very rude awakening. And the fact everyone kept saying look how big you have gotten.

Some Thinspiration.

Day Two ABC Diet.

Well I completely failed again. I keep reading if you fail to just keep going and try to stay under the calorie count for the next day. I dont know yet if I want to just quit and try it again fresh next Monday or to just keep going. Hmm...

Beautiful Faith.

Zero Calorie Foods.

Asparagus
Apple
Beet
Cranberries
Broccoli
Grapefruit
Cabbage
Lemon
Carrot
Mango
Cauliflower
Orange
Celery
Pineapple
Chile peppers
Raspberries
Cucumber
Strawberries
Dandelion
Tangerine
Endive
Garden cress
Garlic
Green beans
Lettuce
Onion
Papaya
Radishes
Spinach
Turnip
Zucchini

My Life. Tomorrow.

I am starting the ABC Diet tomorrow. This is how I have planned everything so far.

The ABC Diet Plan.
                   Monday     Tuesday     Wednesday     Thursday    Friday     Saturday    Sunday
Week 1       500            500            300                400            100         200           300
Week 2       400            500            FAST             150            200         400           350
Week 3       250            200            FAST             200            100         FAST        300
Week 4       250            200            150                100             50          100           200
Week 5       200            300            800                FAST         250         350           450
Week 6      FAST          500            450                400            350         300           250
Week 7       200            200            250                200            300         200           150
Week 8      FAST          500            500                300            400         100           200

Rule # 1- Drink your weight in ounces of water everyday. (184 ounces)
Rule # 2- Exercise @ least 30 minutes each day. (30 minutes of cardio)
Rule # 3- Must remember to take both vitamins each day.
Rule # 4- No soda.

Reward for completing the whole 8 weeks- Manicure and Pedicure.