Wannarexic.

I read a very disturbing post today that really hurt my feelings. I don't know if it is just because I am sensitive because of the way today went or what... but I felt I needed to express my opinion on the subject. I just read it and kept moving through my daily routine of looking through blogs to learn as much as I can without saving where I found it. I wish I knew now so I could copy it and paste it on here. Then you would really get the full affect of what I am trying to say. I read that girls who consider themselves "pro-ana" were mocking the lifestyle of anorexia and the basis of it being a deadly disease. The same girls that ask for "pro-ana tips and tricks" were also wannarexics. This was pretty much a post of a certain lady ranting and raving about how she couldnt stand 'pro-ana hoes" mocking this terrible disease that she lives with on a everyday basis.

Now my intake on the subject. I am a 190 pound woman that deals everyday with the struggle of binge eating. I gorge on food and cant seem to get a handle on it no matter how much I try. I eat until I am sick. Only this is I never purge. I consume all the calories until none is in sight. I look at "thinspo" everyday. I read and read and read blogs all day long trying to find a something that might help me get control on my habit. Some days are better than others. And in the end I still consume more calories than I burn. I think we can all agree that means pounds just pile on. I used to be 120 pounds in school and I looked amazing. I felt amazing. Now I feel ugly and lonely. No one wants to love me. I know my family does but I mean love from a man. A real relationship. I have lost two men over the fact I am "bigger" than them. Wright really is an issue. And it is apart of my everyday life.

I have a huge desire to be skinny. I want and want and want everyday. I need the control. I understand the very basis of the anorexia disease. I may not have the complete control that an "anorectic" may have but some day I will. My disease may be taking longer to progress but some day I will be able to feast on the feeling of hunger. I am not a "wannarexic." I do wish I could just be healthy but I know it will never happen. I continue to watch and look and mimic and read everything I can get my hands on to be able to perfect this life I have to be as skinny as I strive to be. My anorexia is developing and one day I will be skinny and when that day comes I will not be skinny enough. I will get to my goal weight and then know that I can do better. I will always look for satisfaction but know deep down I will never find it.